this hunger.

I wrote this at the end of this last summer, coming out of a season of incredible experiences, but in places of severe challenge; I rediscovered it today. It's basically the sum of my feelings even now.

More than anything I know

I know there's more

More depth

More intimacy

More power

More fullness

More reality

To life in You

If I but knew how to discover

How to throw out this pride in disgust

How to cast out this shame in alarm

Would I then be unhindered?

I feel so stuck

Stuck in habits I despise

Though to others they appear normal

I hate appearing normal

What can be normal about life in you?

I want my life to be marked

Marked by a difference

A presence

A submission

To one infinitely more capable than I

For alone I am utterly incapable

Of giving you the glory due your name

I fail constantly

Yet you are the only Constant

How can I constantly rely on you?

the things he hides.

    The first thing came out of a conversation I had with a friend that I thought was just super insightful. We were talking about worship and how powerful it has been in chapel thus far this year and specifically that morning. People often comment on their amazement at the attendance of Taylor's chapel services, because unlike many Christian universities, chapel isn't required and attendance is not tracked, yet we have an abnormally high attendance rate. As we talked about how great worship was, I mentioned the fact that chapel is voluntary and that maybe that is why it is all the more passionate. This prompted my friend to share a question he'd considered in conversation before, Why doesn't Jesus just show up in front of us, like in worship, if he really wants everyone to come to him? Well, perhaps it is because then worship would not be voluntary. No faith would be required. Worship from everyone will be automatic when Christ is actually before us in his glory. This is the beauty of voluntary worship. When we choose to praise God even though he is not seen or even felt sometimes, it is evidence of our faith, and it blesses His heart!

    Also, tonight in Kingdom Life Church we talked about how worship should never be about what we get out of it, what we feel or don't feel. BUT, the awesome thing about God is that we can never out-give Him. He loves when we give from our hearts in worship to give back to us all the more :D

    More on why God "hides" certain things from us from Come to Papa by Gary Wiens: God's primary desire is intimacy with us. He has hidden most of the understanding of our own identities (who we are in Him) in His own heart. His nature is to hide precious things like hidden treasure for us to seek out, so He tells us we can find our identity by drawing near to Him, lifting our heads to "gaze upon His beauty and goodness, and then speaks to us of identity, value, and purpose" through the Spirit, establishing in us glory reflecting His own. SO God gets intimacy with us (His primary desire) while we get "knowledge we're infinitely and unconditionally loved, that our lives have meaning, that an eternal destiny of significance is our portion" (p. 22-23) - understanding of our identity! Isn't that super cool and doesn't it make so much sense!?

Wiens, Gary. Come to Papa: Encountering the Father That Jesus Knew. Grandview, MO: Burning Hearts Ministries, 2003. Print.

my father.

    After God rocked me with the whole renewing my relationship with Him as His daughter thing as I wrote about previously, one of my friends who knew about it gave me a book to read called Come to Papa by Gary Wiens. It's super hard to find time for pleasure reading here, but so far SO good.

Some things that have stuck out:

• Ephesians 1:17 "I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him..." (it goes on wonderfully)
• We can (and should) ask God to give us the Spirit to know the Father of glory more!
• God's glory: the weightiness/heaviness of His beauty, majesty, and power (p. 10) - this is what we should seek to know! Also, this is in us if we are saved in Him!

• This quote: "The presence of the Lord is addictive, and we were designed to be captured by this addiction. We were never created to live bored, dissipated lives or be satisfied with the inferior pleasures of temporary things. We were created to live an exhilarated existence, intoxicated with the beauty and goodness of God. We were meant to be captured by His heart, in love with the One who is madly in love with us" (p. 12).

 ^^ My thoughts: The Christian life isn't boring! We have been given the ability to know the source of every pleasure that exists in its purest and most glorious and fulfilling of forms. And He longs for us to know His love not just as head knowledge, but personally and experientially!

 More of Gary Wiens's thoughts:

    Jesus is to me as he was merciful and kind to Zacchaeus, gentle but pointed with me as he was with Peter and his disciples, he feels toward the unclean places in my life as he did with the leprous beggar in Mark 1 - willing to heal things that separate me from Him and from the rest of His people, he will deal with my shame mercifully and without condemnation as he did with the woman caught in adultery in John 8, and as he confronted and rebuked Pharisees and legalistic leaders this is also how he feels about my attitudes of superiority and elitism that keep me from being compassionate toward broken people (p. 18).

    Jesus is God in man form. We can learn about God's character and the way he relates to us by seeing how Jesus related with these people! SO much more could be said about this... what an awesome way to read the gospels, looking for how Jesus shows us how God sees us and wants to relate to us through his interactions with people!


Not sure the proper way to cite a book on a blog, but I'll do it like I would for a paper... :)

Wiens, Gary. Come to Papa: Encountering the Father That Jesus Knew. Grandview, MO: Burning Hearts Ministries, 2003. Print.

he speaks.

    The same night I wrote about in my last post, my first Sunday at Kingdom Life I received prayer for Original Design. What's that? Well, it's a prophetic ministry where a prayer team asks the Lord for His thoughts concerning you, His design for you upon creating you, and any words of encouragement He may have for you. It's something I have received a few times before. The first time I went for Original Design Freshman year I was pretty skeptical, thinking they'd say things to me that they could say to anyone. But let me just tell you, my skepticism turned into utter awe of the love of the Father, which is so real and so personal, and awe of the simple fact that He knows me better than anyone else and better than I know myself. He created me for specific purposes and as I seek Him, He wants to reveal those purposes and designs to me, and to each of us! This is just one way to hear from Him. (They have a handout full of their scriptural basis for this, two examples being Ephesians 2:10: "For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." and 1 Corinthians 14:3 which says "The one who prophesies speaks to people for their strengthening, encouraging and comfort.")

    If we believe God is alive and truly who scripture says He is, the same yesterday today and forever, of course He still speaks to us, and of course He wants to encourage, love, and direct us!

    Anyway, each time I have received Original Design things have been said that have been absolutely spot-on, and undeniably specific to me, my life, and my situations. This time one of the things they said was to guard my morning meetings with God in the morning, because they are powerful, He loves them, and when I meet with Him in this way He walks with me for the rest of the day. Well guess what's been a big struggle for me the past two weeks - giving God that precious time in the mornings! Yikes, I'm actually just tonight realizing the significance of this word I received 3 weeks ago, and am realizing it makes complete sense this is what Satan would attack! Of course, God is in and with me regardless of whether I set aside time for Him, but if I'm not spending time focusing on Him in the mornings, connecting with Him and giving my day over to Him, I'm not as effective for the Kingdom. It literally affects every interaction I have with people, my attitude, my mindset, everything. I can undeniably feel the difference.  Let me challenge you as I'm so challenged, don't let Satan get away with getting you to rationalize away your need for or your ability to have those precious times! And if we're not spending time with God to get to know Him and hear His voice, how do we expect to get any closer to Him?

    I also received words that have been confirmed in a few situations already this school year about what God has made my role to be in the community of believers, and even what that could look like in the future. Also, looking back over last semester and the summer I found myself in this role as well. These specific words have been given me I think each time I've had Original Design (I'm hesitant to say specifically what they are... but then again, shouldn't we recognize in each other who God created each person to be and hold them to it??)

    SO COOL. Those are just a couple examples of the ways the Lord has spoken to me through these people who are simply willing to hear His voice and pass it along for their fellow believers' encouragement. I want so much to develop this gift I firmly believe God gives to all His children of hearing His voice, it's just up to us to utilize and develop it! I think we make it waaay more complicated and intimidating than God intended for it to be... what good Father wouldn't talk to His children who seek Him?

transition

    My blog is taking a turn, just like my life. :) I am now in the middle of my fourth week back at Taylor University as a Junior and things are starting to pick up. I'm not overloaded by any means course-wise, which is really nice. In fact, I've had to check myself from getting caught in guilt for not being more busy. Here at Taylor there are unlimited opportunities for involvement in wonderful cabinets, groups, clubs, jobs, and leadership positions... I've been asked "So what leadership positions do you have? Are Chorale and Sounds your only commitments!?" There's a lot of expectation to be busy and to be involved in as much as possible.

    Here's my current life summary: International Studies major, Peace Reconciliation and Justice concentration, possibly Psych minor. Taylor Chorale and Taylor Sounds - ministries of choral music. Breuninger Hall front desk worker; hired to work catering as well. Floor worship leader, soon to help with worship at church occasionally, and hope to have a voice lesson every other week. I go to Exit 59 church (Missionary Alliance) Sunday mornings as I did last year, and have begun attending Kingdom Life Church (non-denominational, I believe) on Sunday evenings, where God has rocked me each of my 3 attendances thus far... more on that later.

  I'll say more about my regular life periodically, I am sure. But here's where I want this blog to go for now...

    One of the greatest blessings I am experiencing in this part of my life is consistent, solid, convicting, encouraging, and challenging spiritual food. Between chapel services and church services along with my personal devotional times, I feel like I am filled to overflowing with things the Lord is revealing to me about Himself and His Word. I actually have to be careful not to overstimulate in the sense that I receive so much truth that I don't end up processing or applying any of it. So I want to share some of these things on my blog. Whether with you, or for my own sake - processing now, remembering later, I'm going to try it out. :)

    It will take me some time to get out all the nuggets of truth I've received so far, but here's a bit to begin. Three Sundays ago at Kingdom Life Church the pastor, James Heth, talked about this passage:

"But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship. Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.” So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir." Galatians 4:4-7

    He began to talk about how imperfect relationships can affect our relationship with God, keeping us from seeing Him as a perfect Father with abundant love for us that we don't have to earn. He began praying and pretty soon I was in tears. Soon I had three people around me praying for me. Though they couldn't hear one another for the most part, they were all praying the same things and they were all spot-on! Definitely led by the Spirit. Pretty soon they were praying that God would break down my striving and performance because I don't earn His love and that I would stop focusing on doing, and rather focus on being, in light of my identity as His daughter. They prayed I'd know how much He delights in me and how proud of me He is; how beautiful I am to Him. They got straight to the root of my struggle with legalism even though they knew nothing about it, and I felt so strongly the personal love of the Father to communicate through them just exactly what I needed to hear! I struggle a lot with feeling His love and affirmation, so I fall into striving to live my life well enough to think I deserve it. But according to this passage (and plenty of others - I never realized how many passages talk about our sonship!) I have been adopted out of slavery and made his CHILD and HEIR. What did I do to earn this? NOTHING! I just need to learn how to receive it and live out this new identity :D

    I came away from this night so encouraged, and so in awe. It almost didn't happen - one girl going with me backed out and the other was sick in the afternoon... she came with me anyway and she felt totally fine once she was there! I'm realizing more and more that Satan will do anything to keep us from truth and freedom. I'm determined more than ever to recognize and combat his every attempt!

    There's much more to this story, but this is just a summary of the beginnings of this journey He is taking me on. Praise the Lord.

super cute kids, Byzantine mosaics, and goodbyes.

    My final week with the kids has come to a close. How does it feel? I feel relieved, to be honest, but also of course very sad to see this amazing and unique season of my life here coming to a close. I will miss these people, the incredible Bosphorus views I enjoy each day outside my suite and whenever I'm out in the city, the rich history here, enjoying the masterful dishes of a Turkish cook for lunch and dinner of my daily life, and just being somewhere I am being challenged and learning constantly, completely surrounded by people and a lifestyle so different from me and mine.

Some final pictures of these crazy kids I've spent more time with than any other humans this summer... :)

Denis with Ella's Barbie doctor glasses. The one on the right is a classic Denis face - "I'm so silly, aren't I!?"

Ella is doctoring her sick horse. The one on the left is a classic Ella face - "What I'm telling you is very interesting and important, isn't it?"

He did the classic face again. What a hunk of joy.

To commemorate our last day together Ella and I pretended we were in a photo booth...

Ella's peace sign is struggling a little bit. Ha    

I said my goodbyes to them Thursday night. Ella didn't seem to really understand that this goodbye was final. She kept saying, but we'll have another playdate soon! We talked about all the things we will do "when" she visits me on the farm. The goodbye for me was bittersweet. I was of course sad saying bye to this little girl I've bonded with so much, but I also felt a great contentedness because I know I have truly poured my all into her :)

 Since my host mom and the two kids left, I've had the weekend to use however I liked. On Saturday I got to meet up with an au pair from Chicago who I met on the playground with Ella the week before I went to Bodrum. We kept wanting to meet up but unfortunately it didn't work out until Saturday, the day before I had to leave. We had such a great time together we both wished we had met sooner, but hope to meet again maybe in Chicago sometime :) Anyway, we found our way to the Church of the Holy Savior at Chora, which is rated #2 on Trip Advisor so even though it was very out of the way and somewhat difficult to get to (without taking a taxi), we decided it would be worthwhile, and it was! Our journey there was a hot and sweaty adventure at nearly 90 degree heat... This exterior met us when we finally reached our destination:

And the mosaics in the interior are what make this place so well-known and worthwhile to all its visitors. The church is considered to be one of the most beautiful surviving examples of a Byzantine church. During the Ottoman empire it was made into a mosque (like the Hagia Sophia), but lots of the mosaics have been recovered again today now that is a museum.

I didn't know what this mosaic in the dome was until I just now found it on Wikipedia (there were no English informational pamphlets). This is the resurrected Christ pulling Adam and Eve out of their tombs now that he has overcome the gates of hell! John the baptist, David, and Solomon are behind Adam, among other righteous kings.

This shows John the Baptist on the right and the Virgin Mary on the left, making intercession for mankind at the Last Judgment.

An awful picture thanks to my camera's inability to take pictures in dim lighting, but this is me and Aylin, the girl from Chicago I spent the day with :)

One final shot of me in front of this magnificent view I've so thoroughly enjoyed.

    I'm headed home. I get to leave here at 2:30AM (Monday morning) for the airport, fly to Rome with a 3 hour layover, then get in at Detroit Tuesday around 3:30PM on Monday Ohio time. The crazy thing is, my summer traveling adventures are not ending. On Friday I'm leaving with Mom, Dad, and Alyssa for a grand road trip adventure to the Grand Canyon and a day in Las Vegas and back! It is going to be a blast. Nothing like catching back up with the family by spending every hour in a car together for two weeks! I love road trips. Then we get back August 23, and I move into Taylor the 25th. My life is going to be insane for the next month, but I am going to love it!

    So I made this blog to document my travels from Ireland through Turkey, and now these travels have come to a close. What now? Should I keep using this blog to continue documenting my life, learning, adventures, and/or hobbies? Something to consider. I think there's a pretty good chance I'll keep using it, because even if no one else looked at it ever it helps me a lot to process and have some tangible way to remember my life. If you know me, you know I have one of the worst memories of any person who doesn't have dementia. Anyway, you'll hear from me again soon. :)

    Love you all! Thanks for all your support and prayers through this incredible journey. The Lord has taught me SO much and challenged me hugely... I've needed every single one of those prayers. I have much more reflecting to do and as time goes on I'm sure I will see more clearly the ways I've grown and the specific things I've learned.

the yacht life - bodrum, turkey

Here goes!

And we're off! All our transportation stuff went smoothly; the flight was only 50 minutes. This little guy had no problem getting comfortable :)

This is the yacht my host grandparents own which I am staying on. My host mother and the two kids are staying in a hotel, so I come to the yacht for dinner and to sleep, but I spend my day at the hotel's private beach with the mom and kids (usually the grandparents join us too). Anyway, the yacht is named Acacia. It is SO nice, like a little summer home. They have staff here on the boat too, different people - a captain and like an assistant captain who are on the yacht year-round, then a cook and a woman who does the cleaning, laundry, etc. who are just on it for the summer.

This is my room. It's the least spacious of the bedrooms (my host grandmother showed me all the rooms of the boat), but definitely still tolerable. Also in the yacht are the following rooms: the grandparents' bedroom and bathroom, the kitchen, a living room/dining room, two outdoor sitting areas (in the front and on top), another guest bed and bath where my host mom's sister-in-law has been staying, the room with the captain's stuff including the boat steering wheel just like in movies, another 2 guest bedrooms, the captain's living quarters, and the laundry room. WOW. How does the boat fit all these rooms? It is quite impressive. The boat is apparently from the 70s, and my host grandfather bought it and then renovated it many years ago.

Yes, this window is in my bedroom. Just like the movies.

Turkish food has become perhaps my favorite type of cuisine. The cook on the yacht is incredible. I love trying new things so much, and I love everything I've had so far. Many meals I eat on the front of the boat like this.

The upper deck (we took the boat out to the beach we were meeting my host mom and the kids at and then they put a small boat in the water to take us in to the shore. It made me think of a pirate ship and we were taking out the emergency exit boat, whatever it's called)

See the wheel?

There are lots and lots and lots of yachts (I'm a horrible estimator, but maybe a couple hundred?) docked on this marina, called Palmarina.

My first night I walked the marina, which is basically just a bunch of restaurants and really nice stores along the coast. It was Saturday night, so it was buzzing with people. I loved the atmosphere. If I'd had someone with me I'd have definitely sat at one of the cafes or something, but I just walked instead and went into some stores. I walked out of the stores quickly though, as most clothing items were priced in the hundreds of lira (1 lira = 0.5 dollars, roughly). I saw this beautiful sunset...

I was overwhelmed. It was like a dream. I may have teared a bit.

My typical day: Wake up at 9AM, get ready and have Turkish breakfast (assortment of cheeses, olives, some fruits, tomatoes and cucumbers, yogurt, etc.) on the front of the boat. 10 or 10:30 take taxi to the hotel. Ride golf cart with all our gear and the kids to the hotel private beach. Swim, play in the sand, and lay out and read while Ella is otherwise occupied. Have lunch around 1 at the hotel's beach restaurant and feed Ella hers. Around 3 go to the hotel pool (you would think Ella would be tired at this point and not care about the pool... Nope, she is very adamant that she does both beach and pool each day!) and to the "Kid's Club" which is like a playground and toy room packed full of entertainment for kids. Take taxi back to yacht at 6. Shower. Dinner around 8 on yacht. At 9 take taxi back to hotel to stay with sleeping kids while host mom goes out. Taxi back to yacht around 12:30AM. Sleep and repeat. :)

Bodrum is gorgeous. It reminds me of pictures I've seen of Greece, with the super blue water (it's the Aegean Sea if you were wondering; Bodrum is in the south of Turkey) and blue boxy houses that are all alike. Bodrum is mostly a vacation area. People come and stay a week in a hotel, or many have summer houses here. This hotel has an interesting background to it, because it was begun by a man from Azerbaijan who brings this wonderful sand to the beach from Egypt or something every few weeks. Otherwise the sand would be pebbles. It's also been interesting because the system is all about bribery for getting the number of beach seats you want and in the best places... the service is also largely good or bad depending on your status or bribery. I'm told this is "very Turkish". It is frustrating to my host family but somewhat amusing to me :) Also, all the workers here (at the beach it's basically all guys in their 20s) apparently work all day here then work at a nightclub under the same ownership and sleep only 3 hours a night. WHAT?

I think the sun affects my already troubled brain for the worse when it comes to my memory... here Ella and I had to take the golf cart back to the beach to get one of my host mom's bags I had forgotten on the bench. Ella thought it was really funny. In the same day I also had to run from the taxi back to the yacht to get my bag in the morning and forgot my phone on the yacht when I went to be with the sleeping kids in the evening. Agh. In this same week I also spilled my whole glass of piping hot tea on myself once and had my chair fall backwards off a platform on the beach while I was sitting on it. Oh, and when I was out with a friend on my day off we were both tripping all over as we explored the castle and I actually fell and scraped my knee at one point when we were running to catch the bus. My host family might be wondering about my stability... haha

As I just mentioned, with my day off I went with another au pair who I had met early on in my time here, Jenifer, to Bodrum city. We toured the Bodrum castle and walked around a lot, loving the busyness, great shops, and lively restaurants on the sea. The streets were packed by the time we were leaving, around 11pm, and would've just become more and more so! (people go out LATE here)

Yes, so this is a not-very-good picture of Bodrum Castle. If you look it up on Google images you will find it even more impressive. I love how it's out on a little peninsula and lit up at night... gorgeous.

The castle contained an underwater archaeology museum of shipwreck excavations. The castle itself was cool. But my favorite part about it was that it gave us spectacular views (though it required lots of climbing and too much sweating.)

Jenifer and me. We were hardly acquaintances agreeing to spend a day together, but we ended up having extremely easy and interesting conversation the whole day. I loved spending time with her and am so thankful it worked out!

Wow.

How blessed I am.

I leave Bodrum Sunday, then the Tafts leave Turkey altogether on Friday, and I leave the following Monday. My feelings are very mixed. It feels very surreal (as this whole summer has been surreal, and I'm pretty sure when it's all over I'll question myself as to whether it actually occurred.) I'm ready to retire from my nannying job, and I'm ready to be back in my own family with my friends who really know me and love me for me. Saying goodbyes to the family will be crazy weird and sad, and saying goodbye to this country has the potential to really hurt me as I think I've fallen more deeply in love with it than I even realize...

I have high expectations for this last week and a half as I still have a bit more "vacation" and still many opportunities for meeting people (I will meet a German au pair tomorrow night and another new American au pair next week) as well as the Turkish guy I mentioned who went to church with me. You can expect at least one more blog post as my time here finishes. For those of you I know about who are reading this, your support and encouragement have blessed me SO much; thanks a million.

Love,

Cassandra

dolmabahçe palace and some sweetness.

Maiden's Tower. This tower is on an island. According to legend, a sultan had a most beloved daughter he kept here because of a prophesy that on her 18th birthday a snake would bite her and she would die. Unfortunately, though she was locked away, someone gave her a basket of fruit for her 18th birthday and a snake hiding in it bit her and she died anyway. :(

This is no set up. Istanbul is famous for its cats. There are stray cats everywhere, truly. I have seen them in nearly every (if not every) historical site I've been to, often even inside buildings wandering where they don't belong, but the community generally likes them and many individuals take it upon themselves to put some food out for the strays now and then. There are also stray dogs, but not nearly as many.

Lovin' the kitty pool (or is it kiddie?) :)

On my day off this week I visited Dolmabahce Palace. This was the tower outside.

Me in front of the entrance gate.

Stunning gardens in the courtyard...

And this is the front of the palace.

Another side gate

Ah, just the gate to the seaside.

Unfortunately, no pictures were allowed to be taken inside. This palace was completely different than other places I've been here, because it is all in European style. The palace was inhabited by six sultans and the last caliph, from 1856-1924. Also, the famous Ataturk stayed here for 4 years after the foundation of the Republic (his bedroom and bathroom were included in the tour.) I saw a chandelier that weighed over 4 tons, which was pretty crazy. The extravagance and my thoughts about the expense of it all made me feel sick... it was really something though.

Ending with a picture of sweetness. This is Mutharam, Denis's Turkish nanny with whom I spend much of my days. She is incredible with these two, an excellent example to me of neverending patience and love. Both kids prefer her to me most of the time, but I don't feel badly because she has motherly experience and a motherly bond with them I cannot attempt to attain. :) I always wish we could talk so that I could get to know her better, but we can only communicate through Ella or through motioning to each other, which can be quite amusing for both of us. She is most kind to me regardless, and has also blessed me with a couple of motherly hugs and constant smiles and winks :)

Time is speeding by. I have but two full weeks left. How did this happen? Saturday I leave for Bodrum for vacation with the family, where I will play in the sand and the sea for a week. Then I have one more week with the kids here in Istanbul before they leave. I've made a Turkish friend who came to church with me on Sunday. What?! Yes. How cool is that? Please pray for more opportunities...

Thanks thanks thanks for your prayers and your love. I love you all!